Fuck you fear! Come at me bro

Fuck you, fear.
Fuck. You.
No, I will not stop,
So get out of my ear.

Pain… really?
That’s all you have
To intimidate me?
I think you’ve overplayed your hand
Just a little there homie.
I’ve began to enjoy it.
So lather me up
And bathe me in it.
You tried to break me,
But this has just become therapeutic.

So thank you,
You fucking sadist.
Thank you for all the lessons.
Now you can’t beat me,
So keep coming.
It will feel that much better when you submit.

We have a tough relationship now, but I know we’ll work things out eventually. In spite of everything I want you to know that I still love you deeply, to the very nucleus of my being. I wake thankful that you’re still here and I’m still me. Although you beat up on me constantly. Maybe it’s for existential reasons. Whatever the case, I love and appreciate you, life. I just can’t let you beat me, I hope you understand.

Awoken by a heart beat

What’s happening here is a by-product of what I was feeling after being woken up this morning by my alarm. Not the one set to my phone that starts out with the light and beautiful Angel’s Feather tone, followed three minutes later by Bob Marley’s “Natural Mystic“. What woke me up was the most intense heart beat I’ve ever felt. The palpitations of my heart made it feel as though it was breaking free from its rib caged prison.

Admittedly, the first thing that came to mind was my fragile mortality. Then I remembered that I was in great fucking shape, plus I’m not ready to go yet. Which left only one thing–anxiety! (I have watched numerous episodes of Greys Anatomy, I was and still am confident in that diagnosis. I’m practically a doctor… or something)

It’s a very odd and confusing feeling to wake up and already be going a hundred, while wrapped up in your blanket at 2am in the morning. I wasn’t sure if I was dying, being chased, or in a hurry to get somewhere. It was a feeling of fear mixed with concern blended in with anxious excitement. It seems that while I was trying to recharge, my subconscious brought with it remnants of yesterday and just stayed on play.

A mysterious and dangerous thing, the subconscious. We pay so little attention to it and give no second thought to what we feed it, while it adsorbs everything and constantly runs in the background. Playing the wizard behind the curtain running the controls of our life. Which is why it is so important to feed your mind the right things, from the right sources.

But the morning did get better, after meditating a little to calm my mind and combing through my thoughts. It was a hell of an experience. One that I hope never happens again… but who can tell.