I’m A Hypocrite

I’m a hypocrite
Under duress of my conscience
To expose in these lines what is
Versus what is said.
Separated from my emotions
Regressing to primal,
A part of what’s to blame
I’m one of love’s problems.

My heart is broken
And I’m trying to Fix it
I didn’t fully self destruct
So that’s some progress.
But I’m becoming more numb
I feel less connected to what was,
The feeling to give in to romance and love
Trusting nothing outside the gates of lust.

Instead I bury myself in work
Drowning in the anxiety
Of my ambitions.
Battling the pitfalls of my doubts
Chaining all my other emotions.

But there is some good news
I’m on to the next phase
I no longer see you in their faces
But there’s nothing to enjoy beyond the surface
Saturated with pleasure devoid of fulfillment.
Everyone’s pretending
Hiding in plain sight
Cowardly running
Silently suffering,
Maybe I’ve been doing all of the same
And I’m just the hypocrite that’s noticing.
Running from love
Fearing meaningful connections.

But I’m still hopefully cynical so I’m wishing
Stumbling my way through
Making the attempt of trying.
Realizing the door that keeps out pain
Also turns away happiness,
Still there are questions.
What to guard against
Versus what to let in,
How do you find the balance?
In love’s pursuit
Slowed by my own and by others misdirection,
Is it still a thing worth having?
A phantom chased by the naive
or a myth worshiped by the hopeful
A relic of a more empathic past
But does it still exist in the modern…

I’ll be completely honest
I’m doubtful, afraid and a hypocrite
But I’m willing to brave another loss
Let my walls down when its worth it
Because after all
There wont be another life to live after this.